I have strengthened my boundaries by the way of education. Education has helped me in many ways. It keeps me focused and on topic. It allows me better jobs with better pay. I have made many acquaintances and a few friends, through the way of study. They were tutors, they were co-workers, and eventually my family came around as well.
I have learned and am still learning emotional intelligence. I agree with the experts that the better you are at emotional intelligence "trumps" IQ. It has been such a benefit, that I am able to recognize when I am being emotionally abused.
My mother used to emotionally abuse me. My father "physically" abused me. I found that the greater pain came from emotional abuse. Not to say that my father is a saint, but the pain from emotional abuse doesn't leave any visible bruising. But has the capacity to leave lasting nightmares. They can be day nightmares or night nightmares, but the abuse follows you until you strengthen your boundaries.
Some may brush it off and say that it sounds more like maturity, but it is not. Emotional abuse can keep you from maturing and strengthening your boundaries. I have love/hate memories where I don't know whether to yell at the top of my lungs, "GET OUT!" or to whisper, "I'm glad I still remember your loving ways". That is something to talk about in depth maybe in a later article. That something is that you cannot set boundaries with, someone who has died and left unexpectedly. The only way to try, is try to imagine setting those boundaries, but that could just create memories to come to the top when you have tried to bury it real deep.
And well, no wonder I wish she were alive. It is not to see her, but to set those boundaries that I should have had when she was alive putting her in her place in my life where I want to place her not where she wants to be.
So, that is the missing puzzle piece to a giant puzzle of where, what, when, how could I use boundaries now than those that I should have used then. I wish she were alive to see me now.
I have grown and established boundaries that she would have a hard time accepting. She would probably use the silent treatment where she just didn't discuss anything. But that never made it go away. Not only would she give the silent treatment, but she would withdraw her love until I kowtowed. I was weak. I was dependent. I was isolated. I was even left out of family gatherings, being forced to be around my younger cousins and sitting at the kiddy table. Left out of adult conversation and bonding.
So, a little difficult to stay on topic, but I was able to bring it around back to boundaries a couple of times. It is getting better with time and I have high hopes that even going for my master's now will give me better ideas on how to lean towards, "I'm glad I still remember your loving ways" instead of "GET OUT!" (bully)
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