It Is Difficult But It Can Be Done

     Learning to say what you mean, well, is no easy feat. But it can be done. It took me one year to do my best to remove the word "don't" from my vocabulary. As I was learning how to do this, I challenged my nieces and nephews to catch me saying "don't" when I was visiting. It was a fun exercise, and well, one of my nephews always got me to say the word "don't". I even offered them a quarter every time I said it. Well, he got me to say it but I ran out of quarters. He still played the game with me regardless. He has autism, is adopted and the oldest of my nieces and nephews. Six nieces and nephews are step, but I see them as family. Four of them are adopted all brothers and sisters and all four have some form of the autism spectrum. Then there are my two nephews (and one niece from a previous marriage). So, my brother has all together nine children. Yes, big family. I only have two children. Now, what does this have to do with saying what you mean? I has everything to do with it.

     You see, when my son was four years old, I put him through a pre-school that was also a parenting class. In this class the instructor challenged us parents to say what we mean. For example, when you say, "don't touch that!" it is confusing to the four year old, because they have to process why you said that. Instead of saying that, the instructor says that if you say, "leave that alone" it is better. So, if they are touching a radio button for example. If you say, "don't touch that" then a different button might be okay. But if you say to, "leave that alone", well, then the other buttons might need to be left alone as well. 

     To compound my troubles, I decided to see if there were more words that I could eliminate from my vocabulary. I decided to try to eliminate all contractions from my vocabulary. I am still working on that. But imagine if you are being kissed and you want them to stop. You might say, "no. don't. stop." But they might hear, "No, don't stop." You see how it can get confusing? So, I say to get them to stop is, "I want you to stop." Period. Less confusing right? You might even come up with a better one. That's okay. It takes time to get away from negativity and the best part is that the thing that I am tackling currently is oxymorons. Instead of, "That's awfully pretty." I now can say, "That is really pretty." Big diff...gf.

Vocabulary ABC's  

 Social Security PASS Program

 PASS Application

 Let's Fight Stigma

How I Learned to Grow Where I am Planted

  I have always wanted to be educated. But I became educated in another fashion. I had to make a foundation before I could build. I had to start somewhere, so I started with High School Night School. My mother had agreed to babysit, but only if I was doing something productive. So, I took sign-language classes. Then I found out about ROP in San Diego. It was free trade-school. It sounded great, so I signed up for Cosmetology classes. It took a year on the waiting list, but I finally made it, and yes, my mother agreed to babysit again for this endeavor. It took a year and a half, but I made it. I am still a cosmetologist. I kept my license. But then I came down with carpal-tunnel.

 I flitted from one job to another, never staying very long. When my employers found out I was disabled, I was always asked to resign. I did not know my rights. So, I would resign, thinking that it was better than being fired. Then, I found out about apprenticeships and applied to become a trolley mechanic. They put me through classes at the local community college and I got a certificate. I am also an Electro-mechanic Journeyman-Lineman. It took five years, but even they pushed me out when finding out I have a disability. I was served with psych eval papers and was so insulted that I just said, that's it, I quit. After five good years of service.

 So, back on Social Security I went. I promised my family that I would stay on it this time. Well, I guess I was wrong. I found my calling. My calling as a Peer Support Counselor. I was still in school when I got the job. My current employer has always worked with me to get to the next level. So now, I not only have an associate's degree but now I also have a Bachelor's degree with a minor. But I didn't stop there. Now, I am in master's classes. To get a certificate. That always seems to be the starting point for me. 

 So, where I am at now, I am off of Social Security. I have a full-time job and I have personal transportation to get to and from work. I see a psychiatrist regularly. I take medicine regularly. And I am still in school, still learning to grow where I am planted. Thank you for your continued support of my blog. Here, I try to do my part to stop the stigma. Stigma is the tipping point for most of the mentally ill. It hurts. 

Vocabulary ABC's in Mental Health Circles

 Social Security PASS Program Info   PASS Application

 

How I finally got a new car...

 Well, I went without a car for eight years. I had a decent car when I was a mechanic for San Diego Trolley, Inc. Then, I lost my mom, then my job, then my home, then my vehicle in 2010. And then soon found myself homeless without insurance for my medicine. I had to finally wean myself off of my medicine, because I could not afford it anymore. So, soon I hit rock bottom. I was homeless for about one year, before the system picked me up again. My sister told me to get a lawyer for my Social Security payments to pick up again, so I did. It was only after I was in the local jail for four months for a broken trolley window that I did not break, but what I did, made the broken window worse. So, I had to plead guilty to vandalism, which was then reduced to disturbing the peace. You would think that vandalism would be after disturbing the peace, not the other way around. 

 Well, while I was in the local jail, the social worker refused to let me go back out to the streets. So, I was placed in a program for the mentally ill, where they help you co-ordinate your services. And it was then, when I was released, that my sister told me to get a lawyer to be put back on the SSDI benefits. (Social Security Disability Insurance) not SSI (Supplemental Security Income). There is a big difference. You see, I was trying the Ticket to Work Program for the first time, when I started working for the trolley. I thought it was a forever job, but I was wrong. When they found out that I was disabled, they started the process to lay me off without any benefits. But, what happened was that I was homeless, but on the SDI (State Disability Benefits) which I had to let run out before I could apply for SSDI again. So, you see, I needed a lawyer. 

 Well, I started to go back to school two years after my mother passed away. It took that long to pay my debts and be eligible for the Pell Grant again. I went to college part-time and it took five years to achieve my Associate's Degree in Psychology. Then I applied for SDSU (San Diego State University). It took two times, before they accepted me. I found out about a new program through Social Security called the PASS Program. They are a part of Social Security that gives out grants to those trying to become independent from Social Security. I found out about them through Goodwill. They were the ones helping me become an employee again. I applied to my current employer and they hired me. 

 Well, I was on public transportation to my place of employment for over two years. My employer worked with me to account for the time that it took to get there...three hours to get there, two and a half to get home...and then I got a call...this call changed my life.

 This call was Social Security. They were giving me money to buy a car. I had finally gotten my credit score under control and was also eligible for a car loan from my bank. So, with the money that Social Security gave me and the loan from the bank, I was able to get a newer used car. It changed my life. I was able to get to school in a timely manner and was also now able to take on a regular shift with my employer. I used the grant money that was left over from my University grant and any extra money left over from my earnings to pay it off in two and a half years. It was a 2018 vehicle that I purchased in 2019 from a rental car company. It had all the features my family wanted me to have, without the sticker shock of a new car. 

 The first thing that I had to make sure of, was to become out of debt and raise my credit score. I had left the school loan, that I took out when I was younger, for the last bill to pay, because I thought I wouldn't be able to pay it off for quite a bit longer than I did. A backpay from Social Security, that was a surprise, enabled me to finally pay off my student loan. This is when I started to go back to school again, because I was eligible for grant money again. I saved the extra money left over, because for my Associate's degree I went to the local community college and the fees were less than that of the amount of my grant money. I was saving for the University costs. But, what I didn't know was that I would also go to the University on a grant, so it was free too...I used any and all left over money from my employer, grant money, and Social Security to pay off my car in a timely manner. It still boggles my mind how when my mother (who was my trigger to my suicidal ideations) died, things started to finally fall into place for me. And well, she always told me she wasn't leaving me a penny and well, she didn't leave me a darned thing but bad memories. 

 I did it all on my own. Through the good character that I have despite my mother and her family. They didn't leave me a thing, but bad memories and wasted tears. So, I did it. I did it on my own character without any handouts from my mother or her family. In fact, they always tried to take everything from me when they were alive. And they succeeded. That is why, now that they are dead, I finally have a life to be proud of.

Vocabulary ABC's in Mental Health Circles

The Journal of the American Academy of Psychiatry and the Law

Board of Behavioral Sciences   (Candidate Handbook)

RADT-I Registered Alcohol and Drug Technician

Social Security PASS Program

PASS Information Page

9/11 and why I didn't post anything...

You may be asking why I didnt post anything

for 9/11. The truth is, is that when it happened

I was living in my car with my elementary aged

children and in a full blown symptom that tainted

my reasoning. It was a terrible thing to have happen

and I was almost in one of those airplanes myself. I

just happened to have flown a couple of days before.

You see, my world ended and my life was forever

changed on that day. I traveled with my children to

pick up my mother and we went to a crisis house. I 

walked my children to the back door and left my mother

at the front door. You see. I am still mixed up about it.

My stepdad had kicked me out of the house and they

kept my kids. I went to DC to my grandmother's house

to look for a place for me and the kids. She wouldn't let

me borrow her car and I felt trapped. I told her that I

changed my mind and wanted to go home. She said "wait,

it is too soon". What she meant by that, I don't know. I felt

that I was losing my kids and that it would look like

abandonment. So, I flew home from DC the night of the 9th?

Or the 10th? I just know that it was really close to that day.

I don't fly now. Also, that day is forever imbedded into our

memories and we will never forget. I will never forget that 

day. All of those people who lost their lives and me the day

that forever changed my life. It forever changed all of our

lives. It is a devastatingly difficult day to remember for all

of us. I have survivor's guilt. It was "too soon". I was 

supposed to be on one of those planes. 

Vocabulary ABC's 

The Journal of the American Academy of Psychiatry and the Law

Board of Behavioral Sciences     (Candidate Handbook)

RADT-I (registered alcohol and drug technician)

I may just have a symbiont within me...

 Ok. Well. I have previously described mental illness symptoms as being like a subliminal sight. It is like interpreting what you see. You see on the inside. You have premonitions etc. Well, now I am wondering...could it be that I am hosting a symbiont?

 This symbiont shares her memories with me. She can be really funny and make me laugh out loud at her previous lives' behaviors. Sometimes, I feel like it was me in another life, just having a memory session. The laughter helps to keep up my morale. Especially when there are others around me that would rather see me suffer. 

 And then things can get serious. Like, she takes me on missions. As if we are fighting for God's life. Like we are protecting God from being killed by those that would rather have God dead than alive. You might say that God is neither alive nor dead. I say that it might just depend on your perception.

 Speaking of perception. This is why (the symbiont) sometimes I meet people who are strangers in my life, but not in my memory. I feel like I have known them previously and then I either trust or not. Or, I know someone all my life and then something doesn't ring true and I feel like they are imposters. This is difficult for me to explain. But the psychiatrist that I told this to several years ago, let me know that there is a name to it. It is called "capgras syndrome". 

  The Journal of the American Academy of Psychiatry and the Law

   Healthline Mental Health page   >>>Imposter Syndrome Explained

  Vocabulary ABC's in Mental Health Circles  

 Hopefully these help. There is an opposite to Capgras Syndrome where you feel you have known the person all of your life even though they are strangers, but I cannot find the term at this time. I apologize. Thank you everyone for your continued interest in my blog. Hope it is helpful. 

What should I ask the doctor, treatment team, staff, case manager if I find myself locked up?

   There are a few questions that come to mind. One would be, "What am I being accused of?" Another is, "How long is the average stay here?" and yet another, "What do I need to do in order to discharge?" It takes practice and you should probably write down these questions until you have memorized them. These people (I think) are obligated to give you an answer. 

 Another thing that affects you is the type of hold that they have on you. You should ask them, "What type of hold do you have on me?" also, "What happens if I get reviewed and put on a different hold?" "How long does this hold last?" is a good question to ask at any level. "What can happen after that?" "Can they hold me longer than the time that you have told me?" "What would be a realistic amount of time for my stay here?"

 So, you see, if you can ask even two or three of these, then they might re-evaluate your hold. So, take care and be realistic in your understanding of how long you will be kept prisoner without any trial or bail. They are not obligated to let you go, if you are put on any holds and if you are on a hold, they can change it, keeping you prisoner longer than you thought you would be. When you are arrested and found mentally unsound, they don't have to read you your rights or give you a lawyer, because they actively deny your rights due to a clause that puts you on a DOR (denial of rights). If you are found to be mentally deficient and you are put on a conservatorship, they can keep you up to seven years before they need to review your case again. If, upon review, you are found to still be mentally deficient, then it could be another seven years. It also means that you cannot enter into any contract or agreement, that that capability is given to the conservator. You lose everything and have to rebuild when they finally let you go. It is hard to do.

 When I would rebuild, my family would have me arrested and put away, take my money, and give my clothes away. It was awful and only stopped when my mother died eleven years ago. I had to start all over again many times, without help from my family. This is not a good feeling. 

so, if you have more questions than answers look up my page

Vocabulary ABC's in mental health circles...

Another question to ask...

 How about that discharge, that you cannot imagine

why they are keeping you locked up with no deadline

for discharge. What would be a good question when 

and if you find yourself institutionalized? That 

question seems simple right? But who will tell you

all you need to do sometimes is ask the correct 

questions. Like this one: "What do I need to do in

order to be discharged?" Seems easy right? Not on

my watch. They might say, "Well, let's just focus on

such and such for now." This is called dodging the 

question. You need to put your foot down and ask

again. 

I caution you not to get angry. If they think you are

being aggressive and not accepting of your diagnosis

they will keep you longer, until you show good Bx.

This Bx = Behavior. You are not allowed to get angry.

You are not allowed to fight. You are not allowed to

fight back. So, learn the program. Argue by using words

but don't fight, don't yell. And most of all? Don't refuse 

the medicine. These all point to denial. Oh, and how they 

love denial. It keeps you longer and keeps you from

discharge. 

Remember there are more answers to your questions.

Just go to the page Vocabulary ABC's and click. 

Did you know that if you are mentally ill?

 Just a minor note...but not a minor topic...

 Did you know that when you are arrested, that if you are mentally ill, they don't read you your rights? Because, if you are mentally ill, you have no rights...you have to prove that you should have those rights...most cannot...

 Mental illness does not stop there...if you are federally committed as being mentally ill, you have an umbrella of protection in court by law...you get a slap on the wrist for some infractions...unfortunately, this does not equate to sentencing...you just might spend years in a hospital for mental illness on a charge...such as disturbing the peace...you need to know a valuable question to ask when found in such situations...that question is, "What am I being accused of?" No, seriously, this is an important question that is not well known or at the top of the list of questions you think of if you get arrested as being too mentally ill for society...

Vocabulary ABC's

Name or Accent?

  You, before have probably heard, "What's in a name?" from Shakespeare or you have heard him say, "A rose, by any other name, would smell just as sweet." 

 And yet, a name is almost everything for a first impression, throughout a person's biases. You don't know that you have these biases and would probably be quite vocal about your neutral stances...

 But, a name is what employers see first. Then they see what gender you are. Male or Female. Does the name fit the gender put forward, or not. There are definitely name politics in America. If you have the right name, you can do just about anything you put your mind to. But, if your name comes with previously made famous names, (say through media) can make you a more solid candidate or not...it really is a bunch of politics at work here. 

 So, if you are thinking about coming to America, you might want to visit and compare your name with good rumors and bad rumors. You might not get that job just by your name, and then you get stuck doing menial work like cleaning bathrooms, even it you are educated in your home country.

 The American Dream is only there for those that fit the niche. You have to sound the part, look the part, and have that name that lifts you apart of the other applicants for that dream job. 

Vocabulary ABC's