How I became a participant in my treatment

     As I wait to see my psychiatrist, I look around the room in the lobby
and wonder about my peers waiting too. I wonder if they even realize that
they have a treatment choice. There comes a time when, you either accept
that you are mentally ill or forever be in denial.

     I became disabled early in my adult life. I actually was committed one
month after my 21st birthday. The early hospitalization was a nightmare,
but I wonder if the treatment I received at an early stage of my diagnosis
helped me to grudgingly admit later that I have a disability.

     This early intervention also most likely kept the disorder from progressing
further. I stayed lucid, even when in denial. But, I am accepting of my
diagnosis of the disorder. Even though I am in agreement about my illness,
some things just "are". I cannot prove it, but it is stuck and not going anywhere,
thus the symptom is still active.

     With this background, being in agreement is only part of becoming active
in your treatment. I would go to group meetings after group meetings, trying
to learn how I can convince the "powers that be" that I am normal. I dont have
a "crazy" problem and that I can take care of myself. I dont want that medicine,
it's doesnt work for me. I can tell that to my doctor and my doctor will listen,
but this only came about because I could "explain" further as to why as well
as to what would be a good substitute.

     The ability to say, "no" is a valuable commodity. It is freeing when you
become part of the decisions made in your treatment. But, my peers are
getting "stuck". They are stuck within their own delusions. As much as you
want to hand them the answers, they must live it to get it. To get the freedom
to direct your own treatment. I just hope that one day, the experience of what
I have been through can help someone else navigate the processes of what
it takes to have one foot in reality and one foot in imagination and still
function in the real world.

      Surviving mental illness from the inside out

      Vocabulary ABC's in Mental Health

Dualism is NOT Dead

 Well, here I am in school learning about development of the mind
and the instructor explains that dualism is too tough of a concept to 
grasp, so the instruction will be based off of monism. That the brain
and consciousness are one and the same. I beg to differ. So here I go:

                               Existence vs. Existing
                               (my being, my body)
                               
     My body is aging, yet my awareness of conscious existence is
maturing in the reverse. I have the recognition where my body is 
capable of existing separately from my consciousness.

               Is it possible that I have found my "soul" ?

     Is my "soul" caught in the middle between my being and my body?
                                          or

     Have I discovered my person is two in one? Is my body host to 
my existence? Is my existence using a host?

     I feel like I have lived many lives, but had different features.

     When I expire, do I cease to exist? The expiration of my life
frightens me. Am I the host or the being? If I am both being and
host (meld), does that mean I have a split personality, separate
entities living together as one?

     An awakening of perspective that I might be two entities
simultaneously existing, gives me a new outlook on my reality.

     Is my mental health treatment trying to keep "us" a synonymous
entity? Is that why I have lost most of my freedom? Is treatment for
my host side or my being side or both? 

     Again' my being, my body? Host or being or meld? What am I?

Vocabulary ABC's in Mental Health Circles

     "The ignorance of my reason, contrasts with my wisdom of knowledge."                                auntie steph

     Surviving mental illness from the inside out.