How I view food tells me a lot about my symptoms. How about you?
First, my view of food was el naturale. Broccoli was broccoli and ice cream
was ice cream. I was a kid and everything was new to try.
I really try to think of when, what, why, how, and where my 'food vision'
changed. I started to think what does eating this do to me. Then I started
to think what was my food made of. What if I told you that food is a luxury?
How would you view food then?
What if I told you that all the meat was gone, and now if you wanted
that hamburger, you would lose your favorite pet for the meat. Now, we
know that it can cascade into a full blown idea that holds no base in fact
anymore. Now we know that this would be a symptom. But, why did it
take hold like that?
It went even further, I am afraid. I started to look at the food on my
plate as if it were a storybook, with a giant story waiting for me. Now,
I leave as much on my plate as possible, many times leaving the food
untouched. Is this mental illness or an eating disorder? What if I told
you it is both? I did not lose my hunger, just my appetite. I still wanted
to eat, but could not bring myself to touch the food, taste the food, eat
the food. This is not anorexia, it is something deeper. Something that
many mentally ill people face.
To me, it was like a test of food stories, instead of a test of will.
After a while, I started playing with my food. Then, if the story left,
I could finally eat a little. But, I would have to take another look,
just in case a new story showed up. Building my food, breaking it
down, and building it back up again. Most of the time my hunger
won and I would eat, but feel very guilty about not having better
willpower.
I started to think that I needed permission to eat. Permission to
touch my last meal. Permission to cause chaos on my plate...and
yet, I still eat. Not for pleasure and not for pain, just because at
the moment these symptoms have abated. They have gone. Gone
somewhere, only to resurface later, if I start having symptoms again.
So, how do you feel about food? How is it that you view eating?
Is it a test for you as it is for me? Not of willpower, but to do the
right thing. Well, I guess that is the symptom in full now-the right
thing. What do you think that would be?
Vocabulary ABC's
Nutrition and the Mentality of Eating
Some warning signs