I Must Apologize to my Readers

 I must apologize to my readers. I am sorry for that last post. I must have been having flashbacks of her. Her = my mother... I see her you know. Standing just at my door facing me when it is closed at night and I am trying to go to bed. 

I saw a beautiful Facebook post about a biker whose wife passed during birth and he was only allowed to hold his daughter for 23 minutes before they took her from him and told him that he was unfit to be a father. He never was allowed to see her again.

Such stories make me cry. Anyways, I think that story triggered me. I feel like I still need to defend myself with my children. (Children now because they are grown and living their lives well, not kids for they are both now in their 30's) My memories of them when they were young, do not mesh with what they know, because my mother wiped their memories. I have to defend myself and my choices.

For example, I was at a happy hour (no alcohol) with my son, his new wife and my good friend of 20 years. I tried to talk about my son's background and he was like, "Mom. Please." So I had to stop. I wish that my children would let me see if their memories mesh with mine. Please, at least some of their memories, but no. They even argue with me about my life back then. What they "think" happened but not what really happened because they weren't there at that time. 

That was just a brief explanation on the footing I have with my children who were told some things but they were lies. 

Anyways, I apologize. I am sorry. If the article disturbed you in any way, please keep in mind that I suffered trauma from my mother and I still have memories to process and communication blockades with my children. 

Maybe next time, I will write about when you should 5150 a loved one. But that is for another time. Please be vigilant of you surroundings. It is prevent suicide month and some people just need you to listen. Your just being there could change the entire outcome for someone. And, yeah, I tried ...fifteen years ago and I don't wish to ever do that again. 

Check out my Vocabulary ABC's there is something there for everybody. I will check the links soon to make sure you are being web directed, but that takes a while and I really need to sit down and just check every link that is in there.

Thank you for allowing me to backslide a bit, by still being here reading this. 

I Fought Every Inch of the Way for a Normal Life

 I fought hard to have as close to a normal life as was possible. I fought to hold down a job. There were some here and there, but the one I have now I have been at the longest. Eight years. This allowed me to be eligible for SSDI and not just SSI. Boy what a game changer that was.

I fought to have my own home. I have lived on my own since I was nineteen. I fought to be a mother. That was my nemesis though. My mother took my kids when they were 7 and 9 and never returned them. They think that I had visits, but she was always accusing me of something in order to take them away as soon as I would get them back. It was a dark time in my life. Ten years of it. Now she is dead and my life has gotten so much better. I can't ignore the facts of my success.

When she was alive, she would put me away as soon as I became stable to keep me unstable. She replaced me. My kids don't see it. I guess what they don't see actually saves them from her abusive ways. They won't listen to my side of the story. But, at least they are somewhat connected with me now. They never call me. I have to initiate contact. But, they reply. Not always the same day either, but they reply. I guess I am counting my blessings over it. 

But, I fought hard. As best as I could. I played fair when others were playing dirty. I am so glad that some fights are over and to never rise again. Yes, I am glad that she is dead. Dead Dead Dead. Yes, I have a better life now. 

My psychiatrist agrees with me that she had munchausen's by proxy. I don't even know all the bad things she used to tell everyone who would listen. But, even my family finds that I am different. But you know what? I am still me. I have not changed. I fought for my education. That changed, but I am still me. How can they say I am different now? I never changed, just they changed. She's not filling their heads with bad crap about me. I am so happy about that. 

To conclude, I hope. I just want to say that the older I get the simpler it gets to fight for normalcy. It is easier to get close to a normal life. I still have missing things in my life. I am in a one room apartment and share the kitchen and two bathrooms. I am not allowed to have pets. That saddens me. I really miss having pets. I never had my own puppy. I would get close but then the opportunity would be stripped away. If I could, I would adopt a senior dog from the shelter. I am a bit slowed down now and I think that an older dog would be just what the doctor ordered. 

So, a normal life. It is elusive, but if you fight for it, you just might get a chance to come out the other side of the black hole to find another universe. 

Please look at my Vocabulary ABC's. There is something there for everyone.