How I Overcame and Identified My Symptoms

  
    As I began my journey through mental illness, there were a few things going for me. One is that my grandfather and uncle (on my mother's side) were mentally ill. The things that the family said as I was growing up alienated me from my uncle and my grandfather. The family showered them with false affection, always saying negative remarks about them at their back. To this I was a witness. A witness to family stigma. This is what I had and have going for me.

    The family started stigma within the family telling children negative things about mentally ill family members. That made stigma within the family first, then there was stigma publicly. But, what do you tell children about mental illness? The odd behavior and obvious side effects gather looks and side-glances leaving a gaping hole of the unexplained and unknown. 

    As I was growing up with a mental illness, I had a long road ahead of me and it looked bleak. But, the more I studied mental illness, the more I came across ways to strengthen my boundaries and mentally defend myself against insults, disrespect, and innuendo. I learned how to respect myself. This gave me the confidence to be publicly open about my mental illness.

    Sharing with confidence gave me the encouragement to continue to learn about mental illness. What is it? Who gets it? Who has it? What can you do now that you have it? What is medicine for if I dont feel sick? Why are you doing this? Why are you treating me this way? Why? What is it like? 
    
    I feel that educating myself helps me educate others. Like those in my family. Slowly, because it doesn't happen overnight, my family started to come around and seem to understand a little better about what mental illness is. The biggest benefit to openly study my own mental illness is how I learned how to identify a symptom and explain it. Not just identifying, but also finding a course (avenue) of explanation because they go hand in hand.

    Groups and processing in programs gave me the skills I needed to identify symptoms. In groups, you discuss how your day is. You talk about things you are worried about. There is genuine concern from staff and there is good advice from peers. These groups are critical in advancing treatment, goals, and recovery. But, I took it a step further and have been taking 'brainiac' college courses. The kind of courses that help you study the brain and its function. With these two together, it is a great advantage to stay focused and lucid. It has really helped me stay on topic during conversation.

    So, become a 'brainiac', not a maniac. Look into a college course or two and expand your horizon. You don't need a high school diploma for community college. They have assessment entry tests. There are grants to help you pay for college. It is fun, exciting, and it gets you out of the house for a little while. 
   
     How to have college pay for itself
      

How I Overcame Being Homeless in America

   There is something to be said about being homeless in America. There are not a lot of areas that have a friendly climate. As I was growing up, my godfather would lecture me on how to survive certain scenarios. One of those scenarios was homelessness.

    First on his list was, if you are homeless don't look homeless, because you would be an open target to becoming victimized. Second on his list was, if you are homeless (because you are a woman) don't sleep at night- sleep in the daytime in a quiet park, because it is safer to do so. If you are a woman, you might be raped if you sleep at night, because you never see it coming.

    So, as I found myself homeless where it doesn't snow, I listened to my godfather's advice. Something I did that he didn't teach was adopt a block. I had money coming in, but it was only temporary, so places wouldn't rent to me. I would watch over the block at night and help the people get coffee and something to eat in the morning. Then, when they were awake, sometimes I would spread out my blanket (that fit in my purse) and cat nap.

    I became real good at two minute-man naps. There was a period when I was up for 16 days, and then was only able to sleep for three hours, ending my marathon insomnia. I learned to have clothes to dry fast, because sometimes I would have to pick a tree and lean on it (because there were no bathrooms) and pee trying to make it go down only one leg. I did not have baggage. That is where homeless people drive a grocery cart of belongings. Everything I had, I could carry. 

    There were also, temporary shelters and places to go for meals and showers. Also, there were a couple of places to go to get out of the rain, but they were closed after dinner. There was only one bathroom downtown at night. The weather was warmer in some areas than others. But, walking around at night kept me warm. I learned how to avoid hypothermia. 

    I would also do random acts of kindness. If I had a jacket and could get another one, I would find someone without a jacket and give them the jacket off my back. Other homeless people would do such things for each other too. I kept losing my shoes. There are small glass shards on the pavement, even though they are cleaned daily because the janitor uses a blower instead of a broom. Other homeless people would notice I needed shoes and would help me get another pair. (One time, a gracious couple driving by noticed I didn't have any shoes and bought me a brand new pair) Oh, I felt so loved when I got those shoes. For a long period of time, they were my only pair. I cannot thank them enough.

    What ended my homelessness was when I got arrested. In jail for four months in solitary confinement, I leaned on my godfather's advice once again. If you get arrested, you reserve your phone call for when you get out. If you are hungry, eat everything (like the egg shells of an egg and the core and stem of an apple or the peel and fruit of an orange) so you are not wasteful. The officers would try to manipulate my water, so I found a way to keep the water on when they were trying to turn it off. I passed food on to others when I had extra. But, I am drifting off topic. I was homeless when I was arrested, but there was a social worker in the jail that refused to let me leave because I was homeless. 

     This social worker was patient. She was worried about me being released with no where to go. She found me a program that could help me. I am very glad that I had an extended stay and somewhere to go when I got out of jail. I made the best of it. 

    Now, four years later, I am still at the home that welcomed me out of jail. I am going to school and participating in my obligations of house responsibilities. My children and I have never been closer. My other "family members" have drifted away, but that's ok. I am making the best of it. I turned my adversities into opportunities. I am optimistic about my future and about my children. We will survive, I will survive. Thank you everyone, I hope this has helped you.  

Places that help the homeless and needy

Low Income Housing List in San Diego 

How I Overcame Being Emotionally Abused

              Not everyone knows what passive aggressive means and 
what it looks like. Not everyone knows ways to defend yourself when faced with passive aggressive people. One thing I can say is that those that use passive aggressive behavior to manipulate you, they totally get that they are doing it. They are totally aware that they are using a passive aggressive manipulation.

             One of the things I did was continue my education by going to college. The more I learned, the more I saw the manipulations. When I could identify the manipulations, I was able to defend myself verbally, emotionally, and quickly. When the manipulator saw that I recognized what they were doing, then they would mostly stop. Some would push it up a level, asking me what I was so mad about and to stop being mad. They recognize when your natural defenses kick in, but they manipulate your ignorance.

             Many of the mentally ill have been manipulated. Many are so manipulated that they attempt suicide, because they know there is something wrong about manipulation, but fail to recognize it in time to defend themselves. So, they start to internalize it. But, just one class a semester is all you need to keep your mind active and practice defending yourself. The more you learn, the stronger your defenses are.

             I am not quick witted. But, college has helped me understand the way society works and the way thinking works. It has helped me and kept me from being so manipulated. Most of the people doing the manipulating are like parasites. They just do it for the hell of it, most of the time. 

             I strongly encourage humanity, sociology, psychology, and philosophy studies. I also recommend some biological and health studies. These kinds of classes will teach you how to have fortitude and help you recognize manipulators and how to stop them. Don't let this overwhelm you. These are just recommendations and it will take a while to go the gammut, but if you just do one class at a time, over time you will feel better, think better, and defend yourself better because the classes give you the tools you need and help you better define your boundaries.

             So, give it a try. Just one class. Just one semester at a time and soon the classes will start adding up. College expensive? There are grants available that will pay for college. I dont go to the university (yet). I am taking classes at my local community college. Think that is small potaoes? You would be surprised at the value of a community college under-grad education before heading off to the university. No diploma? Some schools have assessment tests, and sometimes you dont need a diploma to take classes at the community college. The assessment test helps to match you with the proper classes to start with. Just go in and talk to a counselor. There are many there to help you. Disabled? There are counselors for that too. So what are you waiting for? Go back to school, you just might surprise yourself. Put those manipulators in their place.

         

 

            

How I Overcame Mixed Beliefs

    When I talk about overcoming mixed beliefs, I am talking about reality. The reality that we are ignorant about GOD, and that as much as we try to prove GOD exists, it remains elusive. So, I scavenge knowledge from everyone I meet. Even if they only have two words for me, there is something there that they can teach me. I love to talk about GOD and the Universe.
   
   What is belief to me? Two things at once come together for me. The first is philosophy and the second is theology. There is a longtime standing controversy between both, theology and philosophy. One is the practice of proving what is not known and the other is the practice of developing steps to proving something “that is”. We don't know why something is, or how something is; we just know that "it is".
   
  Theology is a slippery slope. I say this because theology needs the practice of philosophy to prove GOD exists or you get lost in translation when theorizing on the existence of GOD. Yet philosophy is part of an art of discovering true reason (with the ability to recognize ways of proving the existence of reality without getting spiritual about it). That is part of lucidity. Philosophy explains a system of values by which one lives, and theology is used to guide the ignorant educational young through the introduction of morals. Religion is usually our first teachings as children about how to develop character and integrity.
 
   So, what is the difference between values and morals? Well, values are a standard of honor. Whereas, morals are rules and habits of conduct. What they both have in common is that both teach ethics. Ethics are rules and standards that govern one’s conduct.
 
   The more you learn philosophy, the more lucid you can stay when thoughts of religion and spirituality come up. From Socrates to Plato to Aristotle to Aquinas you can learn how to keep away from confusion and side tangents. Being lost in translation, religion is easy to get lost in. Philosophy serves as an anchor and helps you stay on topic.
   
   My first philosophy class, on overview, had me learning the differences in theology (believe it or not) and showed me the basics of different religions. There I learned that even though I was raised Catholic, some of my beliefs were based in Zen Buddhism. I was continually disappointed in my Catholic religion, because it always left me vulnerable and hoping. I did not feel fulfilled. When faced with the knowledge of Buddhism, I found that I already practiced Zen Buddhism and things naturally started to fall into place for me. Likened to an awakening of realization. Finally I was free. I felt sound from within to without. I became comfortable about a higher power.
   
   I learned that instead of conforming to a religion, I found a religion that conformed around me. I was naturally leaning towards Buddhism. Learning about religion in philosophy didn't make me lose my faith. It just helped me to redefine it.

   Vocabulary ABC's in Mental Health