How I Overcame the Embarrassment that Attaches Itself to Mental Illness

    Have a mental disorder? Are you embarrassed to admit that you 
have a mental illness? Do you feel like you have to hide your diagnosis? Well, you are not alone. 

    Embarrassment, whether public or private is real and if taken
to the extreme it can cause someone to have suicidal ideations. The 
holidays are just around the corner. You know what that means, family gatherings. Family can sometimes be the worst offenders, 
they are set in their ways. 

    I, only recently, have become open about my mental illness. At first, it was embarrassing and I tried to choose people that seemed like they might be open. I share my blog and I sometimes talk one on one with them. I hope my blog is helping. Just by word of mouth, many nations have looked at this blog. I had business cards made, so I could gain more views. I write in this blog, because I think that mental illness needs explaining. Slowly, the public is coming around to some sort of understanding. 

    But, embarrassment is natural. People can sometimes say and do some really hurtful things toward mentally ill citizens. I am open
now, but when I first was diagnosed, I was in the closet and didn't want anyone to know that I had been classified as one of the mentally ill populace.

    I found out, that the more open you are about your mental illness, you meet more people who are willing to listen. Sometimes, it is difficult to broach the subject, but it is like speaking to crowds, you get used to it. 

    Another way that I overcame embarrassment, was the continuation of my education at college and learning about how people think and grow. I am hoping to fill with information what the public has, and that is ignorance. People are afraid of what they
cannot understand. It is this fear that fuels others into the closet about having a mental illness, because most likely, they are ignorant too. 

    So, in conclusion, I cannot stress enough the value of learning about mental illness. They have groups for the mentally ill, and then there is school. The more information you have, the more confident you might be to coming out of the closet about your mental illness, or someone you know that has a mental illness.
Be a player, not a hater.

Remember, the more you know....check out the 
Vocabulary ABC's

How I Overcame Improper Eye Contact

     Some people don't think about eye-contact. They just do it.
But, when you have body dysmorphic disorder, sometimes it is
all you think about. Some manipulators work bad eye-contact on
purpose. The pain of getting winked at is real. It is a passive-aggressive action. It is even worse, if you have a nervous tick in 
the eye that is attacked.

    So, through the help of higher-education, I found a better way
of looking people in the eye when in conversation. I used to look
according to my eye-brows, but, I found a better way. My father
used to say to look at the middle of the eye-brows in order to look someone in the eye, but my way is still a lot better and it keeps you from hurting if you get winked at.

    My approach to eye-contact is this simple adjustment. Use the bridge of your nose and focus on the bridge of the other as your center. This not only keeps you safe against winking, it helps you redefine your center. It also helps if you have a second center within to keep you in the quiet. 

    Inside my eyes, I am blind and inside my ears, I am deaf. So, I would get mad when people accused me of imagining things that really happened to me. But, this is another post yet to come. I see without, and I hear without. I am not imagining it.

    There is an eye exercise you can do at night before you fall asleep. You use your finger as a focal point. Run your finger along your nose.Look at the tip of your finger as you go up and down and up and down. Then you find the center of the bridge of your nose and then cross your finger like a plus sign and go only to the pupil to pupil and then back to the bridge of your nose again, and repeat the up and down of your finger. This exercise strengthens your eye muscles and helps you retreat your eye-contact when you need to and still hold eye-contact. A simple, and yet, effective exercise.

    I hope this has helped you redefine your attention practices and strengthened your lucidity. If you remember, one of the first things as children we noticed in others was their nose. It just brings back a natural defense from when we were children. Remember the good old days. 

    About Body Dysmorphic Disorder

How I Overcame My Fear of ECT (shock therapy)

     I used to think shock therapy was barbaric and well, maybe
in the past it was. But, in this modern age, it is more like having
surgery where they sedate you before they use it on you.
I think that I was apprehensive about the procedure, because 
it is a thing of the past. But, it isn't. Back in the day, my 
grandfather suffered shock therapy twice a week. Now, today
that would be too much.

There are benefits to this medical procedure. One benefit the treatment gives you is this "like new" quiet that you experience 
for some time after treatment. Another, well, if you have a 
nervous tick, it just might take that away. It actually has a 
refreshing and calming experience, regardless of fears. But, these things were new to me, and I was scared. That is normal, 
to be afraid of pain. But, the only pain I experienced
was the pain of my fears.

    Now, sometimes, they won't tell you that you had the 
procedure. That makes it scary. ECT was an alternative to a 
labatomy back in the time of my grandfather. Labatomies
are now thought to be bad medicine, but they still use
shock therapy. I am not an advocate for this procedure, but, with better information, maybe I helped you not to be so scared
of it.

    This just shows that sometimes one's fears dictate one's
decisions. I would not voluntarily go under shock treatment,
but I just wanted you to know that I survived it. Even when
the first time happened in the middle of a school semester and
made me forgetful about what I studied in school. Somehow
I still passed, but only with a C. 

Below are a few more things on the ECT treatment procedures.
   
Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) is a procedure, done under general anesthesia, in which small electric currents are passed through the brain, intentionally triggering a brief seizure. ECT seems to cause changes in brain chemistry that can quickly reverse symptoms of certain mental illnesses.

Mayo Clinic on ECT
John's Hopkins
Risks and Side Effects

   In the end, ECT has become more advanced and more 
humane. Remember, it is ok to be scared of it. In a way
I still am, but I recognize a difference after being treated.

A Time of Thanksgiving Is Once Again Here

            Many people suffer from seasonal
depression. This quick exercise can help even
the most defeatist attitudes. Learning the good,
ignoring the bad takes practice and know-how.
Practice looking into your memory for the good
things in life also helps your outlook on life.

           May you all have a safe and happy holidays
this year and all year round. 

  "Reasons for the Seasons"

     Around Thanksgiving time, there is a popular

concept that can help put the last year in perspective.

     Gather in a group, or gather yourself together

to get ready for the activity of the season.

     On a blank zerox piece of paper, put in the

center of it the phrase, " I Am Thankful For ".

     Then, it is customary to think of things

that you are thankful for. Put it down on the paper

and put as many as you can. If you want to make
more than one, well that is a good thing.

     When you are done, place it in an area where

you can read it to remember all the things you are

thankful for and the reasons you are thankful.

     After a few years, (if the activity was saved),

you can view the activities side by side.  It is

amazing how different they might turn out to be.

     I learned this activity during a theraputic group

gathering.

    Every year, I try to write thank you letters to family

and friends telling them through those letters how

thankful I am to have them in my life. With practice 

looking at the good thoughts, negativity takes a back seat. 

                                                     www.nami.org 

How I Overcame and Identified My Symptoms

  
    As I began my journey through mental illness, there were a few things going for me. One is that my grandfather and uncle (on my mother's side) were mentally ill. The things that the family said as I was growing up alienated me from my uncle and my grandfather. The family showered them with false affection, always saying negative remarks about them at their back. To this I was a witness. A witness to family stigma. This is what I had and have going for me.

    The family started stigma within the family telling children negative things about mentally ill family members. That made stigma within the family first, then there was stigma publicly. But, what do you tell children about mental illness? The odd behavior and obvious side effects gather looks and side-glances leaving a gaping hole of the unexplained and unknown. 

    As I was growing up with a mental illness, I had a long road ahead of me and it looked bleak. But, the more I studied mental illness, the more I came across ways to strengthen my boundaries and mentally defend myself against insults, disrespect, and innuendo. I learned how to respect myself. This gave me the confidence to be publicly open about my mental illness.

    Sharing with confidence gave me the encouragement to continue to learn about mental illness. What is it? Who gets it? Who has it? What can you do now that you have it? What is medicine for if I dont feel sick? Why are you doing this? Why are you treating me this way? Why? What is it like? 
    
    I feel that educating myself helps me educate others. Like those in my family. Slowly, because it doesn't happen overnight, my family started to come around and seem to understand a little better about what mental illness is. The biggest benefit to openly study my own mental illness is how I learned how to identify a symptom and explain it. Not just identifying, but also finding a course (avenue) of explanation because they go hand in hand.

    Groups and processing in programs gave me the skills I needed to identify symptoms. In groups, you discuss how your day is. You talk about things you are worried about. There is genuine concern from staff and there is good advice from peers. These groups are critical in advancing treatment, goals, and recovery. But, I took it a step further and have been taking 'brainiac' college courses. The kind of courses that help you study the brain and its function. With these two together, it is a great advantage to stay focused and lucid. It has really helped me stay on topic during conversation.

    So, become a 'brainiac', not a maniac. Look into a college course or two and expand your horizon. You don't need a high school diploma for community college. They have assessment entry tests. There are grants to help you pay for college. It is fun, exciting, and it gets you out of the house for a little while. 
   
     How to have college pay for itself
      

How I Overcame Being Homeless in America

   There is something to be said about being homeless in America. There are not a lot of areas that have a friendly climate. As I was growing up, my godfather would lecture me on how to survive certain scenarios. One of those scenarios was homelessness.

    First on his list was, if you are homeless don't look homeless, because you would be an open target to becoming victimized. Second on his list was, if you are homeless (because you are a woman) don't sleep at night- sleep in the daytime in a quiet park, because it is safer to do so. If you are a woman, you might be raped if you sleep at night, because you never see it coming.

    So, as I found myself homeless where it doesn't snow, I listened to my godfather's advice. Something I did that he didn't teach was adopt a block. I had money coming in, but it was only temporary, so places wouldn't rent to me. I would watch over the block at night and help the people get coffee and something to eat in the morning. Then, when they were awake, sometimes I would spread out my blanket (that fit in my purse) and cat nap.

    I became real good at two minute-man naps. There was a period when I was up for 16 days, and then was only able to sleep for three hours, ending my marathon insomnia. I learned to have clothes to dry fast, because sometimes I would have to pick a tree and lean on it (because there were no bathrooms) and pee trying to make it go down only one leg. I did not have baggage. That is where homeless people drive a grocery cart of belongings. Everything I had, I could carry. 

    There were also, temporary shelters and places to go for meals and showers. Also, there were a couple of places to go to get out of the rain, but they were closed after dinner. There was only one bathroom downtown at night. The weather was warmer in some areas than others. But, walking around at night kept me warm. I learned how to avoid hypothermia. 

    I would also do random acts of kindness. If I had a jacket and could get another one, I would find someone without a jacket and give them the jacket off my back. Other homeless people would do such things for each other too. I kept losing my shoes. There are small glass shards on the pavement, even though they are cleaned daily because the janitor uses a blower instead of a broom. Other homeless people would notice I needed shoes and would help me get another pair. (One time, a gracious couple driving by noticed I didn't have any shoes and bought me a brand new pair) Oh, I felt so loved when I got those shoes. For a long period of time, they were my only pair. I cannot thank them enough.

    What ended my homelessness was when I got arrested. In jail for four months in solitary confinement, I leaned on my godfather's advice once again. If you get arrested, you reserve your phone call for when you get out. If you are hungry, eat everything (like the egg shells of an egg and the core and stem of an apple or the peel and fruit of an orange) so you are not wasteful. The officers would try to manipulate my water, so I found a way to keep the water on when they were trying to turn it off. I passed food on to others when I had extra. But, I am drifting off topic. I was homeless when I was arrested, but there was a social worker in the jail that refused to let me leave because I was homeless. 

     This social worker was patient. She was worried about me being released with no where to go. She found me a program that could help me. I am very glad that I had an extended stay and somewhere to go when I got out of jail. I made the best of it. 

    Now, four years later, I am still at the home that welcomed me out of jail. I am going to school and participating in my obligations of house responsibilities. My children and I have never been closer. My other "family members" have drifted away, but that's ok. I am making the best of it. I turned my adversities into opportunities. I am optimistic about my future and about my children. We will survive, I will survive. Thank you everyone, I hope this has helped you.  

Places that help the homeless and needy

Low Income Housing List in San Diego 

How I Overcame Being Emotionally Abused

              Not everyone knows what passive aggressive means and 
what it looks like. Not everyone knows ways to defend yourself when faced with passive aggressive people. One thing I can say is that those that use passive aggressive behavior to manipulate you, they totally get that they are doing it. They are totally aware that they are using a passive aggressive manipulation.

             One of the things I did was continue my education by going to college. The more I learned, the more I saw the manipulations. When I could identify the manipulations, I was able to defend myself verbally, emotionally, and quickly. When the manipulator saw that I recognized what they were doing, then they would mostly stop. Some would push it up a level, asking me what I was so mad about and to stop being mad. They recognize when your natural defenses kick in, but they manipulate your ignorance.

             Many of the mentally ill have been manipulated. Many are so manipulated that they attempt suicide, because they know there is something wrong about manipulation, but fail to recognize it in time to defend themselves. So, they start to internalize it. But, just one class a semester is all you need to keep your mind active and practice defending yourself. The more you learn, the stronger your defenses are.

             I am not quick witted. But, college has helped me understand the way society works and the way thinking works. It has helped me and kept me from being so manipulated. Most of the people doing the manipulating are like parasites. They just do it for the hell of it, most of the time. 

             I strongly encourage humanity, sociology, psychology, and philosophy studies. I also recommend some biological and health studies. These kinds of classes will teach you how to have fortitude and help you recognize manipulators and how to stop them. Don't let this overwhelm you. These are just recommendations and it will take a while to go the gammut, but if you just do one class at a time, over time you will feel better, think better, and defend yourself better because the classes give you the tools you need and help you better define your boundaries.

             So, give it a try. Just one class. Just one semester at a time and soon the classes will start adding up. College expensive? There are grants available that will pay for college. I dont go to the university (yet). I am taking classes at my local community college. Think that is small potaoes? You would be surprised at the value of a community college under-grad education before heading off to the university. No diploma? Some schools have assessment tests, and sometimes you dont need a diploma to take classes at the community college. The assessment test helps to match you with the proper classes to start with. Just go in and talk to a counselor. There are many there to help you. Disabled? There are counselors for that too. So what are you waiting for? Go back to school, you just might surprise yourself. Put those manipulators in their place.

         

 

            

How I Overcame Mixed Beliefs

    When I talk about overcoming mixed beliefs, I am talking about reality. The reality that we are ignorant about GOD, and that as much as we try to prove GOD exists, it remains elusive. So, I scavenge knowledge from everyone I meet. Even if they only have two words for me, there is something there that they can teach me. I love to talk about GOD and the Universe.
   
   What is belief to me? Two things at once come together for me. The first is philosophy and the second is theology. There is a longtime standing controversy between both, theology and philosophy. One is the practice of proving what is not known and the other is the practice of developing steps to proving something “that is”. We don't know why something is, or how something is; we just know that "it is".
   
  Theology is a slippery slope. I say this because theology needs the practice of philosophy to prove GOD exists or you get lost in translation when theorizing on the existence of GOD. Yet philosophy is part of an art of discovering true reason (with the ability to recognize ways of proving the existence of reality without getting spiritual about it). That is part of lucidity. Philosophy explains a system of values by which one lives, and theology is used to guide the ignorant educational young through the introduction of morals. Religion is usually our first teachings as children about how to develop character and integrity.
 
   So, what is the difference between values and morals? Well, values are a standard of honor. Whereas, morals are rules and habits of conduct. What they both have in common is that both teach ethics. Ethics are rules and standards that govern one’s conduct.
 
   The more you learn philosophy, the more lucid you can stay when thoughts of religion and spirituality come up. From Socrates to Plato to Aristotle to Aquinas you can learn how to keep away from confusion and side tangents. Being lost in translation, religion is easy to get lost in. Philosophy serves as an anchor and helps you stay on topic.
   
   My first philosophy class, on overview, had me learning the differences in theology (believe it or not) and showed me the basics of different religions. There I learned that even though I was raised Catholic, some of my beliefs were based in Zen Buddhism. I was continually disappointed in my Catholic religion, because it always left me vulnerable and hoping. I did not feel fulfilled. When faced with the knowledge of Buddhism, I found that I already practiced Zen Buddhism and things naturally started to fall into place for me. Likened to an awakening of realization. Finally I was free. I felt sound from within to without. I became comfortable about a higher power.
   
   I learned that instead of conforming to a religion, I found a religion that conformed around me. I was naturally leaning towards Buddhism. Learning about religion in philosophy didn't make me lose my faith. It just helped me to redefine it.

   Vocabulary ABC's in Mental Health

How I Overcame Debt On A Small Budget

     One of the things that I had to overcome is living within a small budget.
It is not easy to do and it takes practice and know how. It took me years and
some bills decades to pay back, but I paid the creditors back while avoiding
bankruptcy.
    First, avoid having bills (that is a step). Opening accounts seem thrilling
and fun like winning the lottery, but you also win interest and credit fees.
Second, if you cannot afford to buy it outright, well, you cannot afford it.
Third, keep in mind that if you borrow a dime you pay a dime, someone is
not going to pay it for you. These steps are for when you are already managing
your budget.
    If you already have bills to pay, and you are getting bogged down, take a
deep breath and look at them realistically. How do you know which ones to
keep paying while you pay off others? That is a loaded question, because there
are people with varying degrees of opinions on the subject and some bills
whether you are disabled or not, cannot be disbursed in any form of bankruptcy.
One of those bills that are exempt from bankruptcy are student loans. They
seem to never go away. But, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I had a
student loan too, and I finally paid it in full a couple of years ago.
    Not all credit counselors are going to help you, other than helping you
out of your money. My mother (rest her soul) was a bankruptcy specialist
and she was always telling me that she saved people's houses. She also was
the one who told me that having social security exempted me from certain
wage garnishments. But, it was my step-dad who taught me about money,
because my mom lived off of credit. That is a cycle he helped me avoid.
The cycle of living off of credit.
    Yes, my mother helped people keep their houses, but she could never
seem to live within her means. That makes her credit advice hypocritical
because her opinions she did not do herself. So, if looking for advice in
bankruptcy, your attorney might not know the best way to organize your
bills for payment, but they can help you with an expensive bankruptcy.
     I had about 10 bills to pay. I had high interest ones and I had high balance
ones. I had some that were long-term and others quite a short time. My
student loan was the last to be paid off, because I could work with my
creditor and post-pone payments. I owed the bank about 30,000dollars in
about 5 accounts and then there were healthcare credit cards, and furniture
credit cards as well as check cash lending before getting paid (for a fee) and
of course my student loan.
    What I did with all of that, well, is that I paid it back. I started with the
highest interest payment. Not the one with the highest interest rate, but
the one with the highest interest charge. Say I have a 100 bill at 10% interest
and that I have another bill that is 100 at a 7.5% interest, but the one with
the higher interest payment is the one that is 7.5% because (hypothetically)
it is maxed out while the one that is 10% is a lesser bill at half full making the
one with the 7.5% interest the one you want to pay first avoiding a high
interest payment.
     One of the things to take into consideration is work with your bank. Let
them know you are struggling. They just might help you. But, what you win
by paying the bank loans first is you get to keep your bank accounts in good
standing. Without an account, things get harder. Another strategy is to work
with your creditors. Negotiate. Let them also know you are struggling. They
might lower your charge or even adjust your interest rate.
    So, pay your bills, but don't make yourself broke (because that is not fun).
Determine the order of who and when to pay. Work with your bank and
creditors, but if your house is involved I highly suggest seeking out a
bankruptcy attorney. Just remember that not everything can be included in
a bankruptcy (such as a student loan).  Also, if you are on social security,
some loans can be forgiven. So, keep in mind that if you borrow a dime you
pay a dime and also, if you can't afford it outright you can't afford it. Good luck.
Remember, digging out of debt takes a while, so for now-breathe. It took me
at least two years once I had my strategy, but I did it. You can do it too.

Vocabulary ABC's in Mental Health

How I Overcame Conservatorship

    Before you can overcome Conservatorship, there are a few things that need to be overcome first. I have in a previous article discussed overcoming denial. It is essential to good mental health if you have an understanding of why and what you are being treated for. As long as you deny having an illness, then your treatment team lumps you in a group of deniers who show no progress because they cannot get past denial. Overcoming denial is an essential step. Once you accept your illness, you can start the next step of sending your illness into remission.
 
    If you are under Conservatorship, it has been decided by the court that you are unfit to care for yourself and the court orders that certain services be handled for you. If you are having difficulty showering on a daily basis, you wear the same clothes all week, if you are having trouble staying “lucid”, if you have poor eating habits, if you spend rent money on things other than rent, if you cannot prove that you take your medicine, if you hold verbal conversations with others unseen, if you have trouble staying awake, if you have trouble going to sleep; any and all of these factors (there may be more examples) are things that the court takes into consideration when someone is on, being placed on, or continued to be under Conservatorship.
 
    Going off conservatorship is a long and difficult process. There are things that you have to prove to the court and your Conservator. Once a year, a hearing is held to see if you need continued services or if you are fit enough to go it alone again. It is a long and tedious process and there are milestones along the way. You cannot prove in a week that you are of sound mind and body. You cannot prove this in a month, but, you might be able to go the program and prove after one year that you are capable of handling your affairs and activities again.
 
    I understand the feeling of autonomy. It was instilled in every child in school, preparing us for the world (so to speak). We, in society expect that after a certain age a person should be able to care for themselves and sometimes others too. Under Conservatorship a person might know how to care for themselves or they might know how to pay bills, but the actions of the Conservatee are random and irregular. One of the clues is to be consistent. Another would be stick to a routine. This could mean going to a day treatment program. This could mean seeing your doctors regularly and being on time avoiding no shows. Try to get the doctor on your side. Participate in your treatment. Ask questions. Ask many questions, the more the better. Ask what you have to do to reach the next step.
 
    Sometimes the next step seems obsurd. You tell yourself that you already do such a thing. But, if that is the next step, do it. Show your treatment team of counselors and doctors that you are listening. Doing the next step shows that you care and you want to get better.
 
    One of the wrong things to do is to use your symptoms as a description of how you are doing. For example, if you have someone out of body that visits you and has gone away or has changed communication, if you use your symptom's identity to explain your stability you are just going to get more medicine and those caring for you will tell your Conservator that you are not stable yet. This gets to your doctor and your treatment team. This can keep you from going off Conservatorship.
 
    Another tip would be learning how to utilize what you have available to you. This can be things such as the patient advocate or requesting one on one therapy so you can get better faster. This puts people in your corner when the time comes to see the justice about your recertification of Conservatorship. Also, utilize peer to peer counselors. Learn from someone who has been there and got through it.
 
    So, take a deep breath. Calm your worries. Tuck your chin while touching your toes (this stretches the bottom of your neck releasing unknown tension). Then, realize it is going to take a while and that others have been there too and are in your corner, supporting your independence.

Here is a good service and they can 
help you with many things. 
Just contact
 Jewish Family Services
        

How I Overcame A Difficult Payee

    No one likes being controlled by money- No one. Some of what happens when you receive a diagnosis of a mental illness is that it limits your ambitions, freedoms, and your ability to become employed. In fact, after adverse medicines and the loss of freedom to smoke, money is a big cause of anxiety to the mentally ill. Even beyond that, many times worse is when you finally learn to live inside a budget it gets even smaller. So, when you have a payee that refuses to be transparent, it is time to speak up, speak out, and hold them accountable.
 
    I had a difficult payee. I am still waiting for an audit to happen. First, I thought changing payees was a good thing. And, well, as luck had it, I changed payees and was happy with the solution. But changing payees is only one option. A few days ago, I got the go ahead to become my own payee again. There was a long process getting there and I will try to explain. I had to have a payee for over one year. During that time, I changed payees to see if the manipulations would stop. Some did, and some became new ways to use money to manipulate. I call this form of abuse- emotional blackmail.
 
    I learned from Social Security (the day I was there to change to being my own payee) that if your payee is keeping money from you that you are due, there is a process through the Social Security system where you have the right to file a formal complaint at your local Social Security office. At the office they will have you sign a third-party waiver. What this means is that Social Security will scrutinize and hold the difficult payee to an audit. If anything is found in error with the audit, Social Security will then hold legal proceedings (but you will receive only the money taken from you). Anything over what was lost goes to Social Security. In other words, Social Security is the plaintiff and your difficult payee is the defendant and you get nothing from the lawsuit.
 
    If Social Security finds moneys that are yours, they will begin a process of righting the wrong that the payee did with your money. In other words, you should finally receive the money that is due to you that the payee withheld. For this to happen though, you need to go to your local Social Security office and formally file a complaint through them so something can be done about it. If you don’t do this, then the difficult payee will continue to be a difficult payee.
 
    If you are not able to go to your local Social Security office, you might want to ask a counselor or call your advocate to help you. But remember, the first thing to do is get away from the bad payee and find a way to change to a new payee. You don’t have to wait to be your own payee to file a formal complaint. Your advocate might be able to help you. Listen to what they suggest and remember that the process takes a while. 


Here is Social Security.

     It helps to use a local office number instead of the national number. Click on it to find the number to your local office,
and you will be helped much sooner.

     If you need an advocate go to Jewish Family Services for any contact info. They work with all patients and you do not have to be Jewish to receive help.

How I Overcame Denial

    Part of my success with coping with schizo-affective bipolar disorder is due to the fact that I have accepted my diagnosis. I say this because it is true. I have a mental illness.
 
    My deceased uncle had schizophrenia and my deceased grandfather had bipolar disorder. This makes me at least 3rd generation mental health patient. I say this because this is also true. I have both. That is what schizo-affective disorder is, it is a combination of both schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. 

    For a very long time in the past, I was in denial. I can 
remember when I was growing up family would pull me to the side and say, “Don’t worry about what your grandfather and uncle are going through, it only hits the men in the family”. My grandfather was a civil engineer and my uncle could not hold down a job. The family would talk about how my grandfather lost his senses and went up to the White House and punched a secret service employee. As for my uncle, the family said my uncle was mentally ill because he did drugs and for the longest time I believed that that is what made my uncle ‘sick’. In other words, he “couldn’t have been born with it” because it came from outside the family gene pool. Their belief is, “We didn’t do drugs so we are sane.” I kept this mentality for a long time, this phobia that runs in my family. I blamed my illness on drug use and that is the wrong way to view it.
 
               Drugs are not the cause of mental illness. 
   
   We don’t know why yet, but we are close to finding the cause of it. Personally, I firmly believe that sleep deprivation and loss of REM (deep sleep) is the root, but not the cause. It is my belief that mental illness is an insomnia side-effect and that the cause would be chronic insomnia.
 
    Speaking of side-effects, understanding and recognizing side-effects can help you gain control of your treatment. When you have a firm understanding of your illness, such as what is your medicine made out of, what symptoms are you experiencing, even telling what medicine works best for you that maybe there can be a collaboration in your treatment with your treatment team. If you can do that, you will know that ultimately you control the process, not the process controls you.
 
    That is why I say in the beginning that there is no room for denial in a diagnosis. Once you have it, it is for life. But, if you do the steps, go to groups, listen to what your groups are trying to teach you, comply with treatment regimens, understand your flare-ups, catch your symptoms as they happen around others, work with your treatment coordinators and doctors, work on your behavior, and change your outlook, your perceptions- you will be happy to see your doctor, happy to see your nurse because you are finally able to see why they are helping you cope with mental illness. You will get it. The reason they do what they do and say what they say. The more you learn about your treatment team the more you will see that they are on your side.
 
    Remember, there is no cure and that you are the biggest player in your treatment. Getting off conservatorship is a process not a program. There are certain things that the experts look for. If you go to groups and become an active player when you visit your treatment team you will catch on to what they look for within your treatment. When you have this knowledge, suddenly it feels like you are respected. They listen.     (a glorious thing)

Vocabulary ABC's in Mental Health Circles
ways to learn, ways to lean on, ways to save
a loved one's life.... please visit the ABC's

Politically Correct?

     There are many forms of working words in the mental
health system. Some of these include:

                    functional
                    episode
                    mania
                    depression
                    symptoms
                  
     There are a lot more in my article:

 Vocabulary ABC's in Mental Health Circles 

     I have been thinking of better descriptions of words
and terms used in Mental Health. These would be:

              Not Medication- But  
                                                I take my "medicine".
             
       (because taking medicine is not a vacation.)

            Not in an episode- But
                                                   I am "having a symptom flare-up".
             
           (I am not trying to be a soap opera)
         
           Not medically corrected and "functional"-

                                          But
                                                  My illness is "in remission"
         
          (my bowels are functional)

    It is time to move into a more universal way of
explaining things; explaining them to the patient, the doctor,
the family, the friends, the media. I consider these explainations
above to be more universal such as certain words have been
revised in the past, such as:

         Fireman, Police Man, Mail Man..... etc.

       Now it is firefighter, police officer, mail carrier...        

     With the above vocabulary changes, it feels less
derogatory and more humane. I am sure there might be
    more out there, but the three above are just a start.
 
  I am curious if you agree. Try the switch and see the response.

Optimism vs. Pessimism

     To my many readers, it has been a busy summer and I hope you all found
the coupon links useful and entertaining.

     My next subject, for this blogsite, is how to cope with ambitions of your
youth next to your opportunities in the moment. Yes, it is said, "when one
door closes another one opens". And, I say to this, "So TRUE".

     Of course my perspective 25 years ago, newly 21 with a mental illness
diagnosis, was very narrow. I had worked at a job where my boss wouldn't
let me leave when I was scheduled, threatening to fire me. I didn't know my
rights, only felt an overwhelming chore of responsibility. Consequently, I
ended up working two 77 hour work weeks in a row. Boy was I tired and
exhausted.

     I was so tired, but couldn't sleep deeply. I was missing my REM's, so
the quality of my rest was fitful at best.

     I saw an explaination, just recently. Finally, I know how to describe
what happened to me before my first hospitalization.

     With my fatigue and highly public job (jr./sr. cashier at a restaurant)    
 the stress I was under was extreme.

     One day, after those two weeks, I go into work and the boss gives
me the day off. There was very unusual weather at the time, with
scattered thunderclouds and blue skies. I thought great! I was going
to enjoy this R&R.

     I went back home and changed clothes and went to a little quaint
bar where they were showing the college basketball sweet sixteen.
Next thing I know, the newscaster acted like he could see me. So,
freaking out a little bit, I left and decided to go for a walk. Then,
I got lost. Somewhere along the way, I lost my jewelry too.

     I kept expecting certain things to happen. Only some of it did.
But that was enough. Enough for me and enough to lock me up,
losing my dreams of a successful home, life, career, etc. My hopes
were dashed. My perception of my potential was bleak. It feels
like the end of the world. In a way it is and in a way it is not.

     But, let me describe a joining so I can explain what happened
to me. It is like being on two elevators. One is at the top floor and
another is on the bottom floor. Sometimes they are both on the
same floor.

     Let's say my 'dreams' are on the first elevator at the top floor.
My daily living and woken self on the other elevator at the bottom
floor. At this point they are separate. Moving of their own accord.

     A well adjusted adult is able to keep the dream state from melding
with awokened reality. Sleep, I dream. Awake, alert. But with me,
all of a sudden, I am on both elevators together twined to eachother
with the illusion of being just one elevator, yet it is both. Bringing
you to the walking dream state. Once those two sets of awareness
come together, it is for life.

     But, now that I am older, I view my handicap as an opportunity.
This is just recent, my point of view. Now I am 45 and in college
working toward an associate's degree in psychology., I feel confident
that I can bring peace and understanding to many (not all) of my
peers and their families.

     So, with a mental illness, it is just a different state of being. It is
combined awareness. My state of being allows me to bring
together my consciousness with a focus I thought was lost to childhood.

     I am again, gaining my center. I attribute it to my schooling and
peers. Family is in there too. But, sometimes they cannot grasp that
I have two synchronized realities, because their awareness has not
evolved into a combined awareness yet, and probably won't happen
for them.

    My optimism has gotten better with age. I see how some of my
classmates from the past are expected to work and work and work.
Working maybe forty or more years. Getting pessimistic. Going
into deep debt. Losing hope about ever digging themselves out of
bad credit. Living check to check and never staying in their means.

     But, when one door opens another is there, open, but you
don't see it yet. I am lucky. I am debt free. I can play. I don't
have to work, but I still have responsibilities. I have obligations.
I have to work with a low budget. As before I have learned to
live within my means. Even paid off a student loan. Never
declared bankruptcy. Either I can afford it outright, or I can't
afford it.

     There is a lot to do in my town, and a lot of it is free to
the general public. And if I plan it right, I have all the time
in the world to enjoy it. Consider this an early retirement.

     So, chin up!!! You just haven't envisioned your new
potential yet. Learn the truth of your combined awareness.

     Remember, accept your symptoms. Recognize that
they are there, then you will be in a better state of mind
and be able to send your symptoms into remission. Let's
broach being functional as being a form of remission.
But we can touch on the subject of remission a little
later on.

     May your days and nights be bright, and may your
sunsets be easy on your eyes. Good luck. Hang in there.
Your center is waiting to be found.


   pessimism                                   optimism

Stretching Dollars

     In this article, I will attempt to find some links
for my wonderful readers that will aid the budget,
but still have fun aspects to them. I will attempt to 
find free to low cost activities or websites that can
answer questions. Mainly asking the question,


     "What is free to do around here?"

One good place to start would be your local library.

     This website just gets you there, but it is just a 
click away from what you may be looking for.

     public libraries around the nation

     Another place would be your local parks and
recreation departments. All you have to do is
click this:

     parks and recreation

     You could always check out free or near
free classes at your local adult schools and
night classes at the local high school in your
area.

     Good luck to you. And yours.

For a good link to learn about coupon savings
and how to get started at extreme couponing.
I found a blog that is quite useful and tells the
truth without all the advertisements that sometimes
stick around.

     How to Coupon Shop

     Find printable coupons here

     more coupons

things to do in san diego, ca

you can also google for your area. try your city's name with dot org at
the end. there might be a city link for your area.

kpbs on san diego activities for this summer 2015 

summer events in san diego, ca 

things to do with that special canine

   How bout a little time on your hands project?

When you click on this link, it has 173 manufacturer
web addresses. A good start. Happy Networking! 


   

The Good Samaritan

     Everyone has had at least one good samaritan in their lifetime, 

including me. I remember one in particular who approached me

when I was homeless and without shoes. But, the thing is is that

I was just living as homeless, because I had left my home during

a full blown episode. I left without shoes, as I have done in the 

past, and grabbed a blanket that looked warm enough to keep me

warm on a cold night.

     Wandering around various parts of town (I cannot fully remember

the parts of town that I had visited). I was performing pre-school

clown acts to draw attention, hoping someone would help me.

     I had aleady been arrested and not charged twice. I even left

the "tank" at the local jail without shoes. And it was soon after

this that a nice couple spotted me and the wife approached me

noticing I was barefoot and walking on glass.

     She said to me, " Please, can I buy you some shoes? What

size do you wear?"

     My reply is a bit fuzzy, but I acquiesced. She requested that

I wait for her near a shoe store, on a set of stairs close by. So, I

waited for what seemed quite a while and when she didnt come

back I took off continuing to wander.

     Somehow, she found me. Not too far from the stairs. My feet

were badly injured and when I thanked her for the shoes and put

them on, they fit so perfectly that it felt like my feet were bandaged.

That is not the first time I had wandered off without shoes, but it

was the first time someone had noticed with concern.

     I would like to thank that couple for such a generous gift and

concern. For at least a year, even after being found, those were

the only shoes I had to my name. "Thank you, (aunt luz)". I dont

know her true name, but that is the name my symptoms told me

belong to her. Thank you and may God bless the both of you. 

What is it like?

     No one has ever asked me what is mental illness like.  It has 

taken me a couple decades to finally be familiar with what is a 

symptom, what is a memory, what is a dream remembered.

     I am studying to become a peer to peer counselor.  I am majoring

in psychology, but have yet to do major classes, but almost done

with my general education requirements so I can dedicate the rest

of my studies to the ones that will get me that associate's degree.

    After twenty years, and being a third generation mental health

patient, I have come down to a single concept that almost everyone

would be able to envision. That is if you are open minded and 

feel comfortable with your current reality.

     You see, symptoms mimic each other but mostly are unique

to each individual. There is a degree of difference in awareness
recognition and the scientific awareness. As when you consider
something like the scientific findings of string theory. An awareness

that there are more dimensions than previously thought. Well,
mental illness is an unidentifiable awareness, unless you are the
one who is aware. 

     Now, as of yet, there is not a test to verify whether or not

these "symptoms" ( visions and hearing what others cannot see)

are real for the person going throughout them. I use the term

'throughout', because sometimes it feels like being infused with
an awareness.

\

     Now, I have one concept, that applies to both spiritual (those

that have gone from this world) and physical and that would be:

     
recognizing and communicating with those around you that are 

                             out of body.

     Some patients have yet to distinguish between their symptoms,to come 

close to explaining their realms of awareness and mistake the
ability as being on the spiritual plane. But, it is also like we are
on different plateaus of awareness and gathering information on levels

where we use our own memories. That makes every patient unique. 

Yet, the patient holds conversations that look like it is imaginary.
The topics are different, but the behaviors are alike.
Reactions to this awareness is also different.
Because everyone has their own family, friends, acquaintances.
The awareness plays on one's memories.

     I bring up the dimensions first, because it is like plateaus. Areas on
different levels like the different floors to a tall building. The plateaus of

how we are reached by the ones that are around us in out of body fashion,
communicating (with the mentally ill) for a variety of reasons.
Subliminally. Without getting awarenesses mixed up with one another.

     I need to make something clear. When considering a person's
actions and behavior, there is nothing different in a person's
character than what they already are. Like, drinking. If it is not
in someone's personality and character, they are not going to
do anyone harm. If you are not pre-disposed then you just plain
dont. You cannot use mental illness as a scapegoat. Those of
us with illness know full well that it has nothing to do with
a person's mental stability. And everything to do with pre-disposition.

  But, many, if not all of us, try to buck it (the diagnosis of mental
illness) off like a young horse,because no one asks for that
responsibility and lifelong restriction.

     Check out more info to get an insight on mental illness

by going to my article-

Vocabulary ABC's in mental health circles     or my article-

Surviving mental illness from the inside out- 2

     The more you know, the better your understanding.

     Happy reading!

Echo Memory

     Thought echo is being lauded as a part of schizophrenia.  

Though I have searched through various internet pages, the

truth of the definition eludes me.  

     For the time being, there is only the brief look on the 

subject, found here:  thought echo 

    Thought echo is also being linked to unusually vivid

memories of childhood, and I think this can also be applied

to vivid symptom memories.  

     The thing about this phenomenom is that most of it needs 

self-identification. It needs a way to  be recognized and

subsequently brought up during psychiatric sessions.

  

Thought echos are recognized by the clinical team, but 

patients lack counselling on the different echos.  Such as

memory echos, symptom echos, thought behavior, thought

echos, etc.

     These echos are also linked to other unusual thought processes.  

Such as Capgrass, among other side-effects.  After searching the 

internet for something close to what I want to define here, I 

cannot locate.

     But, all I am trying to say is that sometimes, when my symptoms

return, it feels close to an echo as it comes back.  Therefore, it is 

quite like a memory lost and then regained.  I hope these inadequate

links are helpful in a continued search for answers.

echo defined

Echoic Memory Outlined

   

Way to Go (part 2)!

     Something that I have been recommending in my earlier posts,
is the education of our youth.  I am proud that Obama seems to
feel the same way.  

     With the next leg of his legacy, Obama knows the advantages
of education and is still improving the lives of the next generations
to come.  

     Inspired by his State of the Union Address, I feel like he gets it.
He has encouraged America's youth headed toward college one day.

     On more than one of these points, it is already
a leap (according to some of the populace), the changes and programs
implemented so far from the Obama Administration.  

     I see the "Change".

     He spoke of it in his campaign; he has worked and developed
much of what he promised the voters (and then some).  I have seen
more done for the lower classes of America than any other 
president that I remember.

     So, I say,"Way to GO!"  Thank you Obama for instilling a future
foundation for my children's children and their children and their
children.

     After that is said, (I know he has already done a lot), but, can
we maybe think about raising the age of minors?  It has been 
shown that children are still developing at 18....

     I would ask for age 21, but I would rather see 25.  Years needed
to fully develop.  Am I asking too much?  

     To reference a few of my earlier posts;

way to go (part 1)                      mental health vocabulary

college is healthy and necessary

     Obama knows the importance of future generations and he is
brave enough to bring America back to its edge; beginning with the
foundation to America's next millennium.

    Way to Go! Thanks Obama

symptoms survive despite recovery training

     Symptoms come and go, but some come back after they go. Why is that?

     Symptoms are as unique as an individual's personality. But, my symptoms

come back. I am trying to figure out why. 

    One of my ideas about this nature is that some of my symptoms are not 

symptoms, but memories.

     These symptoms were difficult for me to identify at first. That is because

I get bombarded by several symptoms (memories) at once. In order to save
myself from explaining over and over again, I drafted a list of my
symtoms.

     With this background explaination, my doctors and therapists are better

able to treat me and understand what memory or memories I might be 

having trouble with.

     These identifiers in my chart help make therapy more direct, because 

the background that I am dealing with has already been explained

and documented.

     Now, I have a memory card. 

Many memories, many families, many facets of personality....